An open letter to my younger self

 Posted by on June 17, 2013 at 11:19 am
Jun 172013
 

Today is my birthday and I am 28 years old. I’ve been thinking about my life these past ten years and how many changes that have happened. Graduating from high school, college, meeting the Sgt and moving in together, losing my dad, getting married and beating cancer.  It’s been a very full decade and I’m leaving out some smaller and more private changes!

Kinderen rond kersttulband met kaars

I’ve been thinking about what I would tell my younger self if I could. What I wish I had known at 18, other than buying Apple stock and what the winning lotto numbers were.

Let your light shine. You are awesome and when you let that awesomeness shine out brightly, people respond well to it. Embrace it, own it, wear it. That’s what confidence is and looks like.

The people who respond positively are your friends. And chances are, they’ll be very good friends. Those who react negatively aren’t your friends, even if they say or seem like they are. A good friend wants to help you shine out brighter than ever, not dim your light.

“No” is a complete sentence. I don’t have to explain or offer an excuse. If I need to be polite, “No, thank you” works. I can say no if I don’t want to. No one can make me do anything and declining doesn’t make me a wet blanket or a bitch.

On the flip side, say yes to something out of your comfort zone. The caveat to this one is, “but only if you really want to.” I’ve sometimes kept myself from trying or doing something that deep down, I really wanted to do but I was afraid of taking a risk. The fear was from appearing vulnerable, failing (especially in front of others) and possibly succeeding.

Young and Old

I asked around on Twitter and Facebook too and I got some good gems. Like this one from my step-father-in-law, “Add value to everyone else’s life. Yours will be incredible.” It’s about more than just doing unto others, it’s about thinking (and acting!) about how you can help someone else and make their life awesome. It’s adding your light to someone else’s.

From Em Dash Paper Company, “No one can tell how young you are, and your age doesn’t affect how awesome you are. Just own it.” The wonderful thing about being young is that you have the rest of your life ahead of you. Come to think of it, that’s true at any age.

What would you tell your younger self if you could?

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I am a unique and special snowflake

 Posted by on June 11, 2013 at 12:35 pm
Jun 112013
 

”The

The Declaration of You will be published by North Light Craft Books this summer, with readers getting all the permission they’ve craved to step passionately into their lives, discover how they and their gifts are unique and uncover what they are meant to do! This post is part of The Declaration of You’s BlogLovin’ Tour, which I’m thrilled to participate in alongside over 100 other creative bloggers. Learn more — and join us! — by clicking here

I have a big personal problem. It’s hard for me to admit that maybe I am special. That I have an important and different perspective on the world. And you do too.

What’s keeping me from admitting this and weaving it into the truth I have about myself?

Personally, there are several factors (and I bet you can relate to some!).

Firstly, raised in a Cuban house in the United States, I was taught to put my needs last. My mother was one to downplay her strengths and I absorbed that. My mom was able to fix a friend’s heirloom crocheted tablecloth by reverse engineering the granny square pattern. She was able to remake some of the missing squares and mend the other ones that started to unravel. My friend offered to pay her for her time. My mom said she didn’t want payment because what she did was “no big deal” and that anyone could do it. I wish I had a photo because it was a big deal. My mom remade close to twenty very small squares and mended another thirty. I told my friend to write a check for however much she felt my mom’s skill was worth, so both she and my mother were fairly compensated. I had to explain to my mom that not everyone can reverse engineer a pattern like that. This is a bad habit that’s been ingrained in Latina women.

Secondly, no one likes a braggart. However, sometimes it feels like admitting that you are awesome is the same as bragging. It’s not. Am I the very best? No, I am a flawed person but I am a good person. And the things that I am the very best at are things I should be proud of. A braggart only talks about their super awesome skills and puts others down or dismisses other people’s strengths. That’s not me, therefore I’m not a braggart.

Thirdly, it’s hard for me to accept praise. I think this is something that many women are socialized to do. You don’t raise your hand too often in math class, you’re to be sweet and let others have the spotlight. Meanwhile, the boys are pushing each other out of the center. (Pushing men to be the best at all costs isn’t good either.)

What’s a gal to do?

Well, two things. One is that I’m learning how to talk about my work. It’s possible to talk about my work without boasting or phrasing it like a humblebrag. And talking about it doesn’t mean that other people are judging you. Take a step back and ask yourself if you’re really bragging or does it just SEEM that way? Chances are, it just seems that way. So push through that fear and talk.

The second thing I do is remind myself that I am worthy of praise. My voice is unique and that’s what’s wonderful about me. There’s a great prayer that I found that I’ve printed out and have it pinned up:

[...] There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.[...]

I try to stay mindful and let myself shine, as I was meant to. I invite you to shine along with me. My shine won’t dim your shine, together we’ll make the world brighter.

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The ebb and flow of creativity

 Posted by on June 7, 2013 at 12:37 pm
Jun 072013
 

I was crocheting a lymph node when my mind started to wander (as it often does). I was thinking about this blog and the space that I’ve created here. I feel like I’m in a real transitional period. And it scares me. Yes, even bad ass knitting ninjas like me get scared.

IJs-plateau aan het strand / Ice-table: ebb-tide at a Dutch beach

So what am I doing about my feelings?

Firstly, I’m taking deep breaths. Lots of them. In for a count of three out for a count of three. I try to visualize all of that wonderful oxygen going into my bloodstream and up into my brain feeding it. Have you noticed that when you feel stressed out, you start taking shallower breaths? Notice your breathing throughout the day and try to breathe deeper.

Secondly, I’m giving myself permission to ebb and flow. I think it’s a vital part of the creative process. By experimenting with different mediums like painting with acrylics, watercolors, drawing and collaging, I’m making myself into a more enriched person. I’m not giving up on fiber arts, they are my first love.

Ocean Flow

However, I think I’m ready to talk more about self-care (like this guest post on eating lunch) and a little less on what I’m making and doing. So bear with me while I go through these changes. I hope you stick with me because I have a LOT to say about giving yourself permission to be the best person you can be!

In the comments, please feel free to suggest topics you’d like to see me cover, both health and knitting wise!

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An Open Letter to the World

 Posted by on May 24, 2013 at 12:54 pm
May 242013
 

I’m part of a private Facebook group about a painting workshop I took. You might remember the face I did way back when?

Well, one woman posted asking for advice. This is a letter to her and everyone else out there:

Dear M,

You asked how you can keep painting and drawing even though your body is so tired. You said you’re plagued by the shoulds and must monsters. You know the ones, the voices that tell you your best isn’t good enough and will never be? The ones that say your health issues are really just a mask for laziness?

Well, guess what? Those monsters are wrong. Your best is good enough. It is more than ok to work within your limits, both physical and mental. It is perfectly fine to take care of your needs before you can take care of others.

I know how hard taking care of oneself first is. So I’ve made a permission slip that you can save and print out. Paste it into your sketch book, set it as your desktop image, put up on the fridge. Just keep it near you and remember only you can take care of you.

Be well and much love,

Vanessa

mixedmartialartsandcrafts.com_Permission_slip

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To Wig or Not to Wig? Or why I went bald

 Posted by on May 14, 2013 at 11:01 am
May 142013
 

That really is the biggest question most cancer patients have. After “am I going to die?” of course. It’s also the most personal decision I had to make. I’m not a doctor so I couldn’t personalize my chemotherapy regime to suit me. I knew I was going to lose my hair and there was no getting around that. So much of cancer treatment is about losing control but this? This was one thing that I had control over.

I did purchase a wig. In fact, my insurance did cover high quality human hair wigs. I never got around to buying a real one. Mine was a $20 synthetic Beatle-esque bob. I thought that maybe I could deal with life if I felt a bit more normal. I had shaved my head the week before when huge snarls of hair were trapped in my pillow case. I still had my eye brows, they had thinned out but still looked normal.

So I bought the wig. Looking at the few photos I have of me in that thing, it looked terrible. And it felt even worse. It was hot and uncomfortable and itchy. I couldn’t get it to line up nicely on my head.
Vanessa_wig
But you know what? For the one day that I wore it, I felt normal. The next day, I realized that I was normal. I just had cancer. And if anyone wanted to say something about being bald, they had that right. I also had the right to ignore them.

On the other hand, a friend’s mother also lost her hair to chemo. She wore her wig every day of treatment because it made her feel empowered. Other people only wear a headscarf. I sometimes wore a scarf around the house, but mostly I stuck to either going au natural or wearing a hat if I was very cold.

There really is no right or wrong answer. Perhaps you will chose to wear a wig when going out or deciding, “Fuck it. Bald is beautiful.” And if you don’t feel that way, that’s okay too. You reserve the right to tell off anyone who says anything different.

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Love Your Body? With Cancer?

 Posted by on May 7, 2013 at 11:51 am
May 072013
 

I’m taking part in Anne the Adventurer’s Love Yourself Link Up.

Logo3One of the bigger issues facing cancer patients and survivors is body image and sex appeal. It effects survivors of all ages, races, and genders and gets little to no attention from the medical community. It’s also something that very few survivors also talk about amongst each other.

Well, I’m talking about it today!

During chemotherapy and radiation, your body changes and it changes quickly and permanently, sometimes. The photo on the right was taken two weeks after the photo on the left. In two short weeks, all the hair on my head and pubic hair (I wasn’t prepared for that part!) fell out. In four weeks, my eyelashes were gone. After four months of chemo, my eyebrows finally left.

before_chemo_started

...to this in two weeks.

 

Your hair falls out which can be permanent. Some people have lost a limb or have under gone a biopsy which has left a scar. You’ve got either a port installed or a PICC line sticking out of your chest/arm like some new weird invention put out by Google. The removal of your port or PICC also leaves a scar. I have a scar between my breasts from the pericardial catheter was inserted and one on my arm from my PICC line. FU_cancer_scar

And if you’re prescribed steroids, like I was, your face is now swollen and you look like a chipmunk.

And while all of that is going on, you feel cranky, nauseous, and overwhelmed. Your body is no longer responding or looking like it had in ways that are familiar to you. You look bad and feel even worse.

As a cancer community, we’re not talking about the emotional and psychological impact these changes are having.

Why?

We, as patients and survivors, are too overwhelmed with what can be done and just getting through the day. Our doctors aren’t bringing it up because there isn’t enough research to nor is it really on their radar. They’re trying to get us through our days as well. And our family and friends? I think they have no idea where to even begin if they’re to talk about it.

My hair fell out in big fistfuls. I was leaving odd dark brown tumbleweeds everywhere. I finally decided to take matters into my own hands and had the SGT shave my head. When my husband was done, I looked in the mirror and burst into tears. In high school, I had a lime green mohawk. I did that on my own and I proudly rocked it. This? Was suddenly very different. There was nothing punk rock and anti-establishment about having my head shaved. I never wanted to look like this

Seeing me break down in sobs over my hair was difficult for him. I avoided looking into mirrors or talking about how I felt. I thought I looked horrible and wigs made me look worse. I felt like my body had betrayed me and I had no real idea why.  One my hair started coming in, I again didn’t want to go back to those dark times that I had just escaped.

So what can we do about this?

We, as a community of doctors, survivors and family/friends, can talk about our body image issues. Telling our loved ones that we are feeling low, asking our oncologists to hook us up with cancer support therapists, and for survivors to bring it up with doctors and loved ones.

As a survivor, I’ve found that that there’s a new normal with my body. As more time passes between my last chemo and today, I’ve learned that “normal” has a fluid and evolving definition.

I’ve also learned to define myself differently. My hair, my scars and body (cancer and all) do make up a large part of who I am. So does my knitting, my art and martial arts.

Cancer patient or not, you need to figure out just who are you? What does that mean to you? What makes you special? What do you want from life, from your loved ones and from your body?

.

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FO Friday: Crochet Lymph Node Goodness

 Posted by on May 3, 2013 at 10:30 am
May 032013
 

I’ve had too much fun making more nodes from my crochet lymph node pattern.

Everybody say: "Eff cancer!"

Everybody say: “Eff cancer!”

I’m whipping up a bunch of brooches and larger nodes that fit into a pocket in preparation for my Etsy store’s grand opening in three weeks. Keep your eye on this page for more behind the scenes sneak peeks and some fun goodies.

For more FOs, check out Tami’s blog.

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Confessions of a notebook addict

 Posted by on April 29, 2013 at 12:11 pm
Apr 292013
 

notebook_banner

This is part one of an ongoing series I’m starting. My name is Vanessa and I have a stationery problem. If you also want to confess about your love of pens and notebooks, drop me a line!

At Stitches South, I explained to Stacey from FreshStitches how much I love notebooks and a good pen. I’ve faithfully kept a diary since the 4th grade. I still remember my first diary. It was from the Disney store and had Simba and Nala from the Lion King on the cover. I later stuck a sticker of a unicorn over it. It locked (very important to a 10-year-old) and came with a crappy pen that died about three entries in. I remember some of the things I wrote in it as well, like who had a crush on who, how I was going to marry Jonathan Taylor Thomas and when I changed my mind and was going to marry Bill Nye the Science Guy instead. And how much cooler he was over Beakman’s World.

notebook

How do I remember all of that stuff? I firmly believe it’s because I wrote it down. Thanks to chemotherapy, my short-term memory isn’t what it was, a common but rarely researched side effect called chemo brain. So I continue to write everything down. Not just my thoughts and feelings but my to-do lists, blog ideas, things I need to open my Etsy store.

This notebook is what I call my “capture” notebook. Here I jot down all my ideas, must-dos, things to look into and general memos. Then once a week (usually on Mondays), I open up Evernote   and transfer those ideas into appropriate notebooks (home, blog, Etsy, ideas) and notes. Evernote now has little radio buttons that you can put into your notes to create a list you can check off.

I also use color coordinated post-it notes and flags to make it easy to figure out what page has blog post ideas, knitting/crochet pattern ideas and around the house ideas. That also makes it faster and easier for me to review what needs to be done and what “bucket” it goes to.

Come back next Monday, when I talk about my logbook!

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What are lymph nodes and what is lymphoma?

 Posted by on April 22, 2013 at 12:30 pm
Apr 222013
 

I’ve talked about my life with lymphoma and I’ve published a crochet pattern to make your own lymph node but what the heck is lymphoma and what does a lymph node do?

First, let’s take a look at lymph nodes.

lymph_node_diagram

Your lymph nodes are found all over your body, in fact there are over 600!  There are two on either side of your neck just under your jaw. When you’re sick, oftentimes your doctor will touch them to feel if they’re swollen. You also have some under your arm pits, over your heart (where my tumor is located), in your groin and behind your knees. Basically, they’re everywhere!

The nodes themselves are covered by a fibrous capsule and inside there are thin follicles which house your white blood cells. When you’re sick, your white blood cells bind to viruses, germs and foreign bodies and attack them. Lymphocytes (the blue French knots)  are a type of white blood cell that patrol your body in fluid called lymph. The afferent vessels bring lymph into the node. When the lymph nodes are ‘activated’ those lymphocytes exit the node through the efferent vessel and circulate around.

What is lymphoma?

There are two primary types of lymphocytes, B cells and T cells. Lymphoma is starts with a change to your lymphocytes (either one) where they start to reproduce uncontrollably but don’t exit through the efferent vessels. My B cells were the ones rapidly dividing and stuck in those follicles mentioned above. Much like an overfilled balloon, my mediastinal node (the one right above your heart and lungs) kept expanding and pressing against my heart and lungs. That left me with shortness of breath and I had some “B” symptoms like night sweats, a deep and dry cough, tiredness/dizziness and frequent nose bleeds.

After my emergency surgery and recovery, my oncologist Dr Anthony Mato, did a bone marrow biopsy. That involves a large needle to extract your bone marrow, the spongy tissue inside your bones that produces red blood cells. After an examination under a microscope and mapping of my genes, he was able to determine that there was neither cancerous activity in my bone marrow nor did I have any genetic reason for lymphoma. That and the images from a PET scan showed that all activity was above my diaphragm and isolated in two spots. I was at Stage 2 with B symptoms.

After staging, I was given a pretty good prognosis and we agreed that an aggressive chemo regime (Hyper CVAD) was my best bet at survival without possibly needing radiation or a stem cell transplant. Two years later, I haven’t needed any further treatment!

So what can you do for me right now? You can purchase a copy of my crocheted lymph node pattern and help me raise funds for Stupid Cancer. You can also donate blood and/or get placed on the stem cell transplant list via the Red Cross in the US. And for further information you can check out this free PDF about Hodgkin’s and Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma published by the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

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