Trapped in the Present


I’ve had my favorite album ever, Bruce Springsteen’s Born to Run on repeat today. I’m not sure what sparked this nostalgia. Missing home, going through my Spotify playlists, and thinking about my upcoming 29th birthday.

See, the weird thing about chemo that no one told me was that when it’s all said and done, you come through the other end totally different from how you entered. So much so that I’ve had I have trouble both connecting to my past and think about the future. I find it actually very difficult to picture what I want, dream or even hope for the next year or two or ten. Oh, there are things I would like and I’m working towards but I can’t really visualize those things.

I wish I could say that this has given me a zen-like approach to life. For the most part, it has. A lot of life is just leaning back, trusting the rope and celebrating the small stuff. And a lot of the meaning I’ve found, I’ve had to work hard at but don’t ask me what my five-year plan is. I can’t think that far ahead!

Do you have a five-year plan? Is it even worth planning that far ahead?

  1. That is true, Doug. I do PLAN things but I have no idea where I want to be or what I want to do even later this year. My knee jerk answer is, “alive!”

    However, I can’t claim to be very “be here now” either. I do still worry more than my fair share about tomorrow.

  2. A five year plan seems crazy in the face of unpredictable health, family issues, etc. As Churchill has been quoted as saying: “Plans are useless, planning is critical”. I’m not sure if Zen is against planning or just against following a long-term plan without adjusting for circumstances.


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